The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
