I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
