your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
