I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
