I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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