i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
