No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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