Don't you send me to vm
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
