I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
