Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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