We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
We named our party play list daddy issues
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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