I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
