Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
