It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
