On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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