The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
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I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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