A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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