Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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