i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
