where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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