You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
