apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
