Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
