After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
