I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
