My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
