What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
