If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
