mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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