i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
