He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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