I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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