the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
