she smelled like a LAN party
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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