I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
