you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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