Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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