Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
