I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
