I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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