Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
