man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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