come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize