i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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