the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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