from now on my penis is your penis
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
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his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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