I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
