this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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