Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
