Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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