did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
