Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
