You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
