I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
