thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
